Hero Complex
by SophieSaulie
Summary: The ODS team when Carson Simms was still a member. Billy is injured and both he and Carson face up to their convictions and whether they believe in them and the doing the work anymore.


**Hero Complex**

The asset was a whole family. Visions of the star-crossed Songs danced in his head. Not that he could have walked away from these people any more than he could have with the Songs or would have wanted to, but like star-crossed lovers, families contained their own vortex of complications and there he was face-to-face with it.

The mission had gone wrong from the minute of execution. The family; mother, Faye, father James and two little ones, Michelina and Anna were understandably scared and seeing Billy's bleeding head wound didn't help. Billy had been clocked while trying to keep the kidnappers from hurting the little ones. His cover had been as the uncle to the family, but as the mission soured, he had to inject himself to try and prevent the kidnapping thus blowing his cover and getting kidnapped as well with them.

He saw the scared looks on everyone's faces and he didn't feel completely right either. He had to prop himself up to keep dizziness at bay and he was feeling nauseated. He worried about concussion so couldn't allow himself to pass out.

He turned slowly, seeing the little girls in tears despite their parents' reassurances.

"Don't worry, we'll be all right."

"How can you be so sure?" The father asked.

"Because my colleagues will be zeroing in on our positions."

"Thank you so much for protecting our girls," the mother said. "I'm sorry you got hurt in the process."

"No worries. All part of the job."

Michelina, twelve years old, her eyes wide like saucers, rimmed with tears, was trying to smile sweetly. It was clear to Billy that she was trying to act brave and grown up.

"You're kind of like James Bond, aren't you? You have the accent and everything."

Billy smiled his most charming smile and she blushed.

"Aye, Collins, Billy Collins, at your Majesty's service," Billy said, kicking into his Sean Connery accent easily, trying to bow, but getting a stitch of pain for his efforts. He grimaced for a second.

Michelina giggled and blushed.

"You're like a hero," she said her voice filled with a childlike admiration.

Billy straightened, feeling the weight of the responsibility of getting this family to safety. He had to keep them from harm as best as he could until Michael, Carson and Casey could rescue them. The rescue was certain, to think otherwise would only diminish morale and Billy was unwilling to do that especially to the little ones.

"Nah, love, hardly that. Hero's work is more than just one man. Where would our James be without Q, aye? My mates will come for us. You can count on that, all right?"

"'Kay," Michelina said, fear still in her voice.

Billy then clenched his eyes in pain. He had a blinding headache barely contained by concentration and conversation alone, but then a stab of pain in the ribs that he hadn't noticed before hit him.

"You okay, Billy?" Michelina asked, worry on her innocent face.

Billy felt a fatherly pull and a keen desire to keep this family safe.

"No need to worry, sweetheart. I'm fine," Billy groaned.

He knew that he wasn't fooling her, that children have an innate sense that adults tend to dismiss, but not Billy, still, he knew that comfort came in small gestures and she needed that from him. They all did.

He straightened slightly to assess how bad the stitch was and concluded that it was manageable, though he suspected that at the very least he had cracked ribs. He looked around the room to see if there was anything there he could take advantage of.

The door looked conventional. The kidnappers weren't professionals and had been taken off guard by the very same fact that Billy had, that the asset was a family, not just the father who was the real target. He had a foreign government's secrets and was seeking asylum, but like the Songs, he couldn't do it without his family as part of the agreement. For Billy, it had been a logical decision, but the kidnappers also knew that they had to take them all and alive because if anything happened to the family, the father would refuse to leave and allow himself to be killed as well.

"_They__crush__anything__that__gets__into__their__orbit,__"_ Billy thought to himself, but gazing into those children's eyes could melt a glacier of a heart and Billy hardly had that, if anything, his heart was made of marshmallows, easily malleable and crushed.

He then happened to spy a bobby pin in Anna's hair. She was all of seven, if that, and had been scared silent the entire time, clinging to her mother's hand tightly, along with a mangled teddy bear that had gone through many a strangling hug. Billy couldn't tell if she was afraid of him, but he needed to get that pin to see if it would easily pick the lock of the room they were in.

"Anna, love, could I ask a really big favor of you?" He asked softly.

Anna nodded slowly, her eyes then looking up for her mother's approval. She nodded back, stroking her daughter's head to soothe her anxiety.

"May I have the pin in your hair? You see, I believe it contains magical powers just like Harry Potter's wand and if it does, I can put it into that door and it will transform into the very mystical key that will unlock it."

Anna's eyes went wide and bright at the prospect that something in her hair could possess such powers and eagerly pulled it out and handed it to Billy.

He took it gently from her and gave her a quick playful stroke on her nose with his thumb.

"Thank you. You're a brave young girl to give up something so important to help your family."

Anna smiled and giggled.

Billy then went straight to work on the lock.

Given his injuries, the process was trickier than usual. Sudden movement could cause unconsciousness and neither he nor the family could afford that. Then there's the possible concussion which was making clear thinking and tactile precision decidely more difficult so Billy's normally adept talent for picking locks was seriously compromised.

He slowly bent down to one knee and blinked in the hopes of clearing his vision enough to see what he was doing. It only marginally helped. He was encouraged that his fingers were still nimble. He then closed his eyes in the hopes that the sound of the lock's tumblers would make for an easier time of picking it.

Michelina watched Billy with rapt attention, the look of hero worship in her eyes. Other than her parents, she trusted Billy, knew that he possessed the skills to help them, to save them. She stayed silent, allowing him to work the lock in silence.

He heard the familiar clicks of success and slowly began turning the knob. The door opened and he peeked through the small crack. There was no guard at the door. Though it didn't mean that there weren't any elsewhere in the building, Billy was encouraged that he wouldn't have to subdue and disarm a guard at the get-go. He hoped to conserve whatever strength he had left in order to deploy it at a more critical juncture. He then heard something in the distance. From what he could hear, there were sounds of combat close by. He had to hope that Simms, Michael and Casey had already gained entry into the compound and was on their way to them. He closed the door, stood up and turned to his charges. Pain surged through me as he rose and he had to lean on the wall for a moment to gain control.

"Are you okay?" Michelina asked, her voice a squeak of concern.

Billy nodded as he moaned and breathed through the pain. It slowly eased, but didn't completely dissipate. He saw the anxiety on Michelina's face and knew she needed more than a nod.

"I'm fine, love. I'll be better once we get out of here and I know that you and your family are safe," Billy said, giving her a reassuring smile.

She returned the smile with one of her own. It gave him strength and determination.

"Right, so here's the plan," Billy breathed with difficulty. "There's no guard outside and I hear my colleagues coming our way. We'll need to meet them halfway as opposed to waiting for them because there's a chance that once it's widely known that they are here, someone might try to get to us before they do. I want you to follow me out. The girls should be between us to protect them as much as possible,"

"Of course," James said.

"The most important thing I want you to do is that when I tell you to run, you run. I want you to take off and not look back. Is that understood?"

Once again, Michelina's face contorted with worry.

"But what about you?"

"I'll be right behind you, but it's vital that you don't stop no matter what. I'll make sure that you get away free, but you have to keep moving."

Michelina's eyes filled with tears. She was old enough to understand the implications and her affection for Billy made her scared for him as much as she was for her family, a young girl's crush and hero worship colliding into a perfect storm of emotional conflict. Billy understood and though it caused him pain, he bent down on one knee to look at her eye-to-eye.

"I'm scared," she said, tears unstoppable and flowing down her cheeks.

Billy wiped them away by cupping her face and swiping his thumbs across her cheeks.

"There, there, sweetheart, it's okay to be scared, even James Bond gets scared."

"No way, he never gets scared," she denied, sweetly petulant.

"He may never show it, but I guarantee, our 007 gets scared too. Only a fool wouldn't and we know James isn't a fool, right?"

Michelina nodded.

"Are you scared?" She asked.

"I'd never lie to you. Of course, I'm scared, but you know what's keeping me strong?" Billy said as he gently held her shoulders.

"What?"

"You and getting all of you out of here safely, that's why it's really important that you listen to me and run when I tell you, all right? The best thing you can do to help me is to make sure you get yourself and your family out of here. Can you do that for me, love?"

She hesitated, still worried about him, but finally nodded.

"All right, then. Let's do this."

Billy stood up slowly and breathed through the pain. It was becoming excruciating for him so the sooner he got them out of there, the better. He wasn't sure he could hold himself together much longer.

Billy opened the door to check to see if the situation out in the hallway had changed. Seeing that they were in the clear, he gestured to them to stay quiet and to come out. The parents led their daughters out first and then placed themselves at the back.

Billy slowly walked down the hall. It was taking all his concentration to prevent the pain and the concussion from knocking him unconscious. When they had reached a corner in the hallway, he gestured them to stop while he checked around it. When he did, he was glad to see that his instincts as well as his trust hadn't failed or had been misplaced. He spotted Casey barreling a path for Carson and Michael to thread through guns in hands.

He turned back to the family and gave them a smile and a nod. He then turned back, managed to catch Carson's gaze and signaled to him. Carson began to head their way. Billy looked at the family.

"Okay, go. Go quickly," Billy whispered as he waved the family forward.

Michelina passed by Billy and he gave her a reassuring wink. Though she continued and passed him, she kept looking back, afraid to leave him or to lose sight of him, straggling behind her family.

They had gotten few feet away and had been joined by Carson. He continued to lead them away, handing them off to Michael as Casey continued battling the kidnappers.

Billy then looked behind to make sure things were clear, but spotted another kidnapper with a gun heading towards them. He knew that he had to keep at bay and hopefully subdue him until all were clear. Carson guided Michelina, but also had his eye on the gunman heading towards them.

"Come on, sweetie, we gotta get going."

Michelina saw the gunman heading towards Billy and she began to panic.

"No, no, you have to help Billy!"

"I will, just keep going."

"No, I can't leave him! He's hurt!" Michelina said, her voice shrill with hysteria.

Billy heard her and turned his attention away from the gunman briefly.

"Run, love! I'll be all right. I'll be right behind ya! Go with my mate Carson!"

It was then that the gunman opened fire and Billy felt at least two bullets hit him in the midsection and he couldn't stop himself from falling to the ground.

"NO!" Michelina screamed.

Carson pushed her behind him and Michael grabbed a hold of her to keep her from going to Billy. Carson then shot down the gunman. He then ran towards Billy just as Michael wrapped his arms around a struggling Michelina to carry her off to safety.

Carson got to Billy and bent down. Billy was arching in pain, his hands fisted. He was breathing rapidly, groaning.

"Hold on, Billy. Help is on the way," Carson reassured.

Billy turned to look at Carson.

"M…Michelina?" Billy groaned.

"She's fine. Michael has her."

"G…Good…"Billy stuttered out then stiffened before losing consciousness.

Carson felt his chest tighten as he worried about his friend. He checked for a pulse and was relieved to find one, but it was beating so quickly, it was almost not there.

"Hang on, buddy. HEY! WE NEED SOME HELP HERE! OPERATIVE DOWN!" Carson yelled.

**ChaosChaosChaos**

Michelina watched helpless as Billy was carried away on a gurney and into the ambulance. Even the loving comfort of her mother's arm around her shoulder didn't help and her tears were flowing.

"I'm sure he'll be okay, honey," her mother cooed to comfort.

"I don't know, Mom. I'm scared for him. He didn't look so good. Can we go see him?"

Michael heard her.

"We have to get you to safety first –"

"But I need to know that Billy will be okay. He's like James Bond, you know?"

Michael couldn't help, but smile at the idea. Clearly, Billy had used his Sean Connery accent on the little girl.

"Well, then, you know that James Bond always comes through, right? So will Billy. I'll see what I can do, but for now, we have to get you to safety. I promise that I'll keep checking on Billy and let you know when he can have visitors. Is that okay?"

Michael swallowed his own emotion back. She had been right. Billy hadn't looked good. He had taken two bullets to the torso along with what he could guess was a head injury and who knows what else when he had tried to protect the family.

Michelina nodded and allowed Michael to get them into a nearby car. Carson walked up to Michael and patted him on the shoulder.

"You did the right thing."

"Did I? Or did I just lie to her only to tell her –"

"It's Billy, man. If anyone can make it through this, it's him," Carson assured, having seen Billy pull off other miraculous saves along with surviving injuries doctors had written off as not survivable.

"I hope so because I would hate to break any other kind of news to that kid."

"Clearly, Billy worked his charms on her. Guess they work for little girls too," Carson teased.

Michael laughed. 

"Yeh, I guess they do," Michael said then became serious. "We better get to the hospital. I have to find out how he's doing. I have a promise to keep. Besides, I have to make sure he knows we're there for him."

Carson nodded.

**ChaosChaosChaos**

The surgery had taken several hours. One bullet had nicked a lung, which then cracked an already fractured rib. The other one had pierced the spleen. All in all though the doctors had been optimistic because despite the injuries, they were repairable and Billy had faired well through all of it with strong vitals.

Carson and Michael sat in the waiting room as Casey paced.

"Can you please find another outlet for your pent up energy? Punch something, will you?" Carson said a touch of frustration laced in his voice.

"I would if I could," Casey said. "Stress makes me uncomfortable."

Both Carson and Michael couldn't help a smile at Casey's innocent and matter of fact statement.

"You know, I believe you, but as a favor to me, please either sit down or go to the gym and work it off, okay?" Carson said.

Casey looked at them both with almost a helpless expression that he didn't often reveal to anyone. Carson felt empathetic and guilty for being so harsh to him. Sarcasm was how he dealt with stress.

"Sorry, Case. I didn't mean to snap. I'm just as worried as you are, but this is Billy, right? It's Billy. He's gonna be fine," Carson babbled.

Michael watched his team tenuously hold on to their fragile control over the concern of a friend. He was doing the same thing. They all dealt with stress, this particular kind of stress, the kind that happened more often than they would like, but was an accepted part of the job, differently.

"Billy's a fighter. We all know that. The best thing we can do for him now is to be there for him and that's exactly what we're doing, but we also need to get some rest. We won't be any good to him exhausted. Agreed?"

Carson and Casey nodded.

"I'll take first watch. Both of you get some sleep. Do it here or at home, but get some rest. That's an order."

They nodded and not surprisingly neither of them left and once they found a place where they could stretch out as comfortably as their frames would allow in the small waiting room chairs, both of them were asleep in a few minutes.

It was just at that moment a doctor came in. Michael walked over to him.

"How is he, Doctor?"

"Stable and resting comfortably in the ICU for now."

"Can I see him?"

"Only for a minute."

Michael nodded his agreement and was led to where Billy was.

No matter how many times he had seen it, with his team and with other operatives from his past, he could never control the shock he always experienced at seeing a friend completely surrounded by life sustaining machines. Everything about them, no matter how necessary, made him feel the empathetic discomfort they were feeling. He was well versed himself having had his share of hospital stays, hooked up to the very same equipment.

Somehow it was always harder to see someone else that way and if he were to admit it, it was especially difficult seeing Billy that way. He was so alive, so animated so to see him as still as he was, not only felt unnatural, but unacceptable.

The sounds of the machines were the worse parts of any hospitalization. The blips of Billy's steady and regular heartbeat should have been comforting, but all Michael could feel was the cold dread of possibly hearing the monitor squeal with a flatline. Billy had done that to him once in the past and it was a memory he had never wanted to relive ever again. It had not only startled him, but it was the closest he had come to fainting and Michael didn't shock easily.

He stood next to the bed. The swooshing noise of the ventilator making him wish he could shut it out.

"You have a serious hero complex, you know that don't you?" Michael teased.

_swoosh, pffft, swoosh, pffft, swoosh._

"Well, there's a little girl waiting for me to tell her that **her** hero will live to fight another day. You better come through because I don't think I could tell her that her James Bond has had his last mission. Don't do that to me."

_swoosh, pffft, swoosh, pffft, swoosh._

It was the only answer he got and could expect to get because there was a tube down Billy's throat and medication was being pumped into him via an I.V. keeping him in a coma so that his body could recuperate and heal.

Michael would never get used it, would never become so hardened that seeing all that wouldn't affect him. The day it didn't would be the day to leave for good.

**ChaosChaosChaos**

Michael returned to the waiting room. Casey was still asleep, but Carson was gone. Michael knew where to find him. They had been through this together too many times not to know each other's patterns. He walked outside and found Carson taking a drag on a cigarette.

He felt Michael's presence and didn't even turn.

"You know those'll kill ya, right?" Michael teased.

"Yeh, just like this job eventually does," Carson said, bitterness in his voice as he put out the cigarette in the disposal tray.

"Now, where is Mr. Glass-Half-Full?"

"He's lying inside hooked to machines."

Michael had to admit that Carson was right. Billy was the one who could pull a smile out of the grumpiest person. He even got a smirk out of Casey once. Now THAT was a feat to behold.

"I know, but he's going to be okay," Michael did his best to reassure.

"This job, it's getting harder to do. We've seen the inside of hospitals way too much."

"Comes with the territory, you know that."

"Maybe, but I'm beginning to wonder if it's all worth it, what we do."

Michael heard something in Carson's voice that sent a chill.

"Billy –"

"Billy's the best of us, you know that, Michael and he shouldn't be lying there fighting for his life. And yet –"

"And yet he wouldn't change a thing, charge in like he did and save that family all over again without a second thought. You taught him that, not me," Michael said.

"Oh, no, you're wrong. He already had that in him. He was that because of the man he is. All I did was –"

"Give him belonging," Michael finished for him. "He was the proverbial man without a country. He came to us scared. His own defense mechanism in place to keep his expectations low, but he was scared to fail again."

"That's mighty insightful of you, fearless leader."

"Well, maybe because it's not my insight. It was yours."

Carson looked over at Michael and was impressed and surprised that he had remembered so much.

"Impressive."

"What? That I have observational skills?" Michael smiled. "I have my moments."

Carson looked wistfully into space.

"Billy does have an annoyingly positive attitude, doesn't he?" Carson said.

"Yeh, he does."

"I don't want to lose that."

"Neither do I."

"Me neither," said a voice behind them.

Michael and Carson turned.

"Get enough beauty rest there?" Carson teased.

"As a matter of fact I did. Which is more than I can say for you," Casey said. "And just for the record, Billy will make it. Any other outcome is unacceptable."

Michael smiled, as did Carson. There was something very reassuring about the sound of bickering, the only voice missing was Billy's and that brought an ache.

**ChaosChaosChaos**

The day had dawned with sore backs, cramped legs, cricks in collective necks...and with stark terror.

As each man emerged from sleep, alarms began to blare and at first the recognition was slow and confused, at first they thought to themselves the sounds must be from someone else, but as the fog of sleep, however fitful, lifted they all followed groggily the path of the hurried hospital personnel as they rushed past them, to their rising shock, into Billy's room. Carson's eyes went wide with the rude awakening and he was the first to get to his feet and dash off. Michael and Casey practically at his heels.

When they all skidded to a stop at the ICU, they gaped in helpless horror as a phalanx of doctors and nurses huddled around Billy's prone and vulnerable body, administering hypodermics of medication into his I.V. line, performing CPR then applying the defibrillator paddles.

Michael's worst fear, the horrible squeal of the heart monitor telling him everything he didn't want to know. Billy was flatlining. Billy was dying.

They all watched, stared, and gaped, still life of CIA agents frozen in apt impotence at what was happening before them. All of them trained to fight, to deploy weaponry, to exact delicate espionage and yet none of them could do a single thing to help their friend, their fourth member to live, to start his heart beating again. It was an agonizing position for these men to be in and it was written across all of their faces.

Time and time again.

The doctors tried to resuscitate Billy, to no avail. The paddles jarred his body. The electrical charges made it arch violently. Each of them watched transfixed, unable to tear their eyes away despite every instinct telling them that they should, feeling cowardly for even wanting to, he was their friend, someone who had saved each of them.

Time and time again.

Like a vigil, they watched their friend struggle to live.

"Fight, damn you," whispered Casey.

"Don't do this," whispered Michael.

"You can't leave us," whispered Carson. "Not now."

The faces on the men were lined with gravitas, their collective breaths held suspended, unable to exhale or seemingly as if they had forgotten how to breathe again until their friend finally took a breath of his own.

Finally a blip, then another and another. Billy was alive, battling. Each man gave their sigh of relief and release.

"About time," Casey said.

"Thank God," Michael said.

"Good to have you back," Carson said. "I knew you had it in you."

**ChaosChaosChaos**

Carson took the next watch. He sat watching Billy. He propped his face onto his hand, fingers rubbing absently across his lips, looking deep in thought. He felt his chest tighten thinking how close they had come to losing Billy.

"I'm getting too old for this..." Carson paused, a small smile on his face, but it quickly disappeared. "I'm getting too old for a lot of things, but you gotta stop putting yourself in the line of fire...you have nothing to prove anymore, you do know that, don't you?"

Billy was silent, the disconcerting sound of machines his answer.

"Who am I kidding? Right? This is who you are. A bleeding heart from the start."

He continued to stare at Billy's face even though his lips were strained, pressing against the tube in his mouth, making him look unreal, making it more difficult for Carson to believe that this was his friend lying there. It was almost like he was looking at someone else.

"You know, when you showed up at the ODS, Casey actually thought you were spying for the Brits, that you were a mole for them. And I thought Michael was paranoid," Carson said shaking his head, the small smile returning. "But I knew better. I never saw anyone so scared in my life. You had a world of hurt written all over your face. You tried to hide it, but I saw it. Probably because I know what that hurt looks like. To be betrayed like you had been."

Carson took in a breath.

_Flashback_

"_Carson, Carson Simms," Carson introduced himself._

"_Liam, Liam Collins," Billy said, taking Carson's hand and shaking it._

"_Liam? That's short for William, right?"_

"_Aye, that's right."_

"_Well, you're in the States now and the short form here is Billy. You okay with that?" Carson said with a bright smile._

_Billy smiled nervously. _

"_Aye."_

"_Okay then, now, see that desk over there?" Carson pointed to a desk. "That's where you'll be from now on, least until one of us gets killed then you can move on up the office accessory ladder. Right, Casey?"_

"_I don't intend to die so don't get your hopes up," Casey said, his face staring intently at his computer screen._

_Carson gave Billy a "what can I tell you?" kind of look._

"_That fine specimen of an operative is Casey Malick. He can take out any obstacle that crosses his path. It's really quite impressive. He's our human weapon."_

_It was Billy's turn to give Carson a look._

"_You're joking, right?" He smiled._

"_I don't joke when it comes to subduing enemy combatants," Casey said, never turning to address either man._

"_Nope, he doesn't. Truth is, he NEVER jokes so remember that. You'll live longer if you do," Carson advised as he turned towards Michael. "Lastly, we have our intrepid, but deeply paranoid leader, Michael Dorset."_

_Billy stepped up to shake Michael's hand._

"_Please to meet ya," Billy said. "Thank ya for taking this spy out from the cold."_

"_Don't thank me just yet," Michael said, a suspicious glare thrown his way._

"_Really, Michael?" Carson scolded._

_Carson spotted a look on Billy's face. An expression that he knew Billy was desperately trying to hide and that was fear, fear of rejection. What little they did know about how he ended up in the CIA, let alone in the ODS was spotty at best, but deportation was never a good thing. Asylum was one thing; that was considered a desperate plea. Deportation was rejection, an eviction notice from the country of your birth. That kind of pain went to the soul._

"_So, why were you deported anyway?" Casey asked in his usual blunt way._

_Carson could only shake his head in dismay._

"_Well, the circumstances have been sealed so I'm not at liberty to reveal."_

"_Why did you pick the CIA?" Michael asked._

_Billy swallowed and Carson saw that fear again, but then Billy straightened to his full height, his expression changing, hinting at a touch of defiance._

"_While I can't give you the details of what happened, I can assure you that it had nothing to do with my abilities and skills as an operative. And I can promise you that you'll not have any mixed loyalties. I'm fully committed to the CIA. I feel I can still make a contribution and I want to do that."_

_Michael's wary expression softened as he saw Billy's commitment displayed plainly in his body language. Carson saw it as well and his heart went out to him because he wasn't sure about his own convictions towards loyalty lately. Billy's words sounded a lot more convincing than how he had felt himself._

"_We'll see about that," Michael said with a smile. "Welcome to the team."_

_Michael offered his hand and Billy shook it gratefully. Carson looked on feeling renewed. He had decided to make it his own personal mission to build Billy up as one of the ODS. He had hoped that it would give back something he feared he was losing._

Carson watched the ventilator push air into Billy and found his faith waning. He used to feel that risking his life for his country, for his friends was worth it, that dying for them was the height of sacrifice, but having done his share of sacrifice, watching his friends, Billy in particular, sacrifice themselves, he wondered what they had to show for it other than pain and long hours of rehab only to go back and do it all over again. Short of being disavowed, he felt abandoned, watching Billy fight to live, he felt that Billy was being left behind to fight alone and for some reason, he became angry thinking about it.

**ChaosChaosChaos**

Billy finally began to stabilize and after a week, he had emerged from his chemically induced coma. He was weak and could only stay conscious for minutes at a time. He was also groggy from pain medication. Pain management had been a challenge since Billy seemed determined to misrepresent how much pain he was feeling.

He was allowed to take visitors one at a time. One visitor, in particular, had been promised time with him once he was conscious, stable and up to it.

Michelina tentatively walked through Billy's door, afraid to wake him. Even medicated, he knew someone had come in. When he turned to find out who it was, he saw Michelina there.

"Hey, Billy. Is it okay to visit?"

He gave her a tired, but bright smile.

"Of course, how are you, love?"

"I'm good. You?"

"I'll admit I'm a bit tired, but I'll be right as rain in no time, sweetheart and out of here lickety split. I'll be onto my next mission like our James would."

Michelina smiled briefly, but it faded.

"I'm sorry you got hurt because I got scared and screamed like a baby."

Billy's sympathies for the young girl bloomed in his chest. He understood well how fearful the situation had been and she had only acted as any young girl would have, but she had seen what no young girl should ever have to see.

"My darling Michelina, you didn't get me injured. Far from it, in fact. If you hadn't warned me and my mate Carson, I would have been hurt a lot worse. You know I would never lie to ya so you must promise me that you will not feel this is your fault."

Billy stared compassionately into Michelina's tear filled hazel eyes to convince her of his words.

She not only saw Billy's compassion, but she actually felt it.

"Okay, I promise," she said with a small smile.

"That's my girl," Billy said, feeling fatique creeping in.

Michelina saw it.

"They're taking us to someplace safe so I probably won't ever see you again..." she said sadly. "I just wanted to say good bye and...thank you...and that I'll miss you."

Billy sighed and smiled. It was these moments that reminded him why he did the work, why he goes back to risk everything all over again, seeing an innocent life saved to live on and have as normal a life as possible with a new identity and a fresh start. He had benefited from a similar generosity after his own country's government disavowal. He had vowed to repay his own second chance every opportunity he got by giving it to others.

"There's nothing to thank me for. Like our James, I do it all for the glory," Billy teased slipping effortlessly into his Connery accent if weaker this time and enjoyed the giggles he got in return.

He smiled at Michelina, feeling himself slipping into uunconsciousness.

"I, too, shall miss our time together, Majesty, but you must promise me to live a happy life. That would be the best reward you could give me and you'll be in my heart always."

Michelina smiled wide and bright and took Billy's hand. He used the last of his waning consciousness to squeeze hers.

**ChaosChaosChaos**

Billy stirred awake again. He still felt exhausted despite all the sleep he was getting. Breathing was a laborious process and the medications, though a welcome deterrent against the pain, clouded his mind. He looked around his room and found Carson sitting in a nearby chair.

"Carson?"

"Hey there, buddy. Glad to see you among the living again."

"I'm not sure I've made it quite there yet," Billy softly joked.

Carson smiled.

"Heard your last visitor perked you up."

"That she did," Billy said with a weak smile. "Michael must've pulled some strings."

"Cashed in a few favors too, that little girl is quite the charmer. She had you both whipped," Carson teased. "He made a promise to her."

Billy nodded.

"Michael keeps his promises."

Carson's teasing expression faded. Billy noticed.

"Something wrong?"

Carson worked his hands as he tried to assemble his thoughts.

"You ever question doing this anymore? I mean, you may have told that little girl you're James Bond, but you aren't a movie hero. You're human and you may not be so lucky the next time."

"What's brought this on?" Billy asked, breathing heavily.

"I'm getting to old to watch you get capped every time you play the hero, you know," Carson evaded with a shaky smile.

"This isn't about me, is it?" Billy challenged. "It's more than that, isn't it?"

"I just don't know if I can do this anymore, if I even **want**to do this anymore. What you're going through now, why would **you**want to?"

Billy took in struggling breaths as he listened to Carson, hearing the uncertainty and maybe even some resentment in his voice that Billy couldn't quite understand. Carson had been his mentor, had been the one to shape how he had felt about the work and it had stayed with him so he couldn't understand why Carson was feeling such a crisis of faith.

"For that little girl," Billy said simply and without hesitation. "I do it for her and innocents like her."

Carson saw the conviction and envied it.

"You taught me that. That it's the people that count, that they are worth the risk. You telling me you don't believe that anymore?"

"Not so sure I do."

"That's bollocks, Carson. I've seen you. You care," Billy asserted feebly. "You saved my life out there."

Carson just bowed his head.

Billy's face crinkled both from pain and from disbelief.

"So? You telling me everything you told me was a lie then? I doubt that."

"I didn't tell you what you didn't already know, that you didn't already come to the table with."

Billy's puzzled expression deepened as did a persistent pain in his chest. Concentration was becoming more difficult to juggle as he tried to get control of his breathing. Every intake was like dragging in air through a straw.

"Look, I...I don't...know where this is coming from...but when I came to the ODS, I was...the one wondering if I could do this...wondered if I had it in me anymore. You...made me believe I could and I've been doing it ever since without regret...I do what I do because I believe in the missions...believe in the people we save...you gave me that...y...you...g...gave me..."

Billy couldn't catch his breath anymore and began to wheeze. He clenched his eyes closed and arched against the pain.

"Billy? Billy! What's wrong?" Carson said panic in his voice.

Billy tried to talk, but could only gasp and cough. He squeezed his eyes closed and squirmed against the helplessnsss he felt as he tried to draw in breath.

Carson ran out of the room.

"HELP! Someone help him!" Carson yelled.

**ChaosChaosChaos**

"It was a pulmonary edema from the bullet that nicked his lung," Carson said to Michael and Casey. "They said he should be okay. They've got him on oxygen and some meds."

Carson threaded his fingers through his hair.

"This is my fault," Carson said.

"Now, how do you figure that? You were just talking to him," Michael said.

"I...I...Never mind."

"No, talk to me, Carson. Something's been eating you and I want to know what it is."

"Is that an order, Michael?" Carson asked with a touch of disdain.

"No, of course not -"

"He should not be going through this!" Carson said, anger bubbling to the surface.

"Agreed -" Michael said.

"He should be doing ANYTHING but getting shot and fighting for his life and for WHAT? I mean, I get the saving lives, I do, but if he dies, then what? Who gets to save **him**then? Who gets to take his credit? His life is more than just acting like a shield!"

"I KNOW that, Carson."

"Do you? Really?"

"If you have something to say then you better say it." Michael said, the strain evident in his own voice.

"**You** left him!" Carson yelled then calmed. "No, no, **I**left him. **I** left him behind. He went in there because he had no choice, the mission was blown and he couldn't leave that family behind...and I should have had his back. Gone back to help him, but I thought it was too risky."

Michael and Casey watched their partner and friend crumble in front of them, both of them sympathetic in their expressions and body language.

"There was nothing you could have done. It was a narrowing window and Billy took it because he knew he could," Michael said. "You know better than anyone that Billy couldn't have let that window pass."

Carson calmed further, but the agony of the lost opportunity continued to weigh on him.

"I know. I know, but it doesn't make it better. None of it does."

"I know, but the best thing we can do for Billy is be with him now. Let him know that we're watching his back now," Michael said.

Carson nodded, but the feeling of failure was like a knot in his chest that he couldn't untie.

**ChaosChaosChaos**

Billy started to feel better with the oxygen and meds. He was feeling like a wrung out towel, but with the breathing and pain eased, his mind was starting to clear. He then heard voices. He tried to focus to hear the words being spoken because he knew the voices well.

_"He should be doing ANYTHING but getting shot and fighting for his life and for WHAT? I mean, I get the saving lives, I do, but if he dies, then what? Who gets to save **him**then? Who gets to take his credit? His life is more than just acting like a shield!"_

_"I KNOW that, Carson."_

_"Do you? Really?"_

_"If you have something to say then you better say it." Michael said, the strain evident in his own voice._

_"**You** left him!" Carson yelled then calmed. "No, no, **I**left him. **I** left him behind. He went in there because he had no choice, the mission was blown and he couldn't leave that family behind...and I should have had his back. Gone back to help him, but I thought it was too risky."_

Billy had remembered what he and Carson had been talking about before his breathing had taken a turn for the worse. Carson had been upset, had been questioning the job and Billy had been having a hard time understanding why. Hearing the conversation he was having with Michael, he now did. He was determined to make things right. He then saw Michael walk into the room.

"Michael…" Billy rasped.

"Easy there. Just checking to make sure you were okay."

"Carson?"

"Getting some air. He needed to clear his head," Michael evaded.

"Heard you out there…" Billy said tiredly.

Michael grimaced.

"I'm sorry –"

"No need, Michael. I understand now. Not your fault. Not any of your faults. My decision. My choice. Wouldn't change a bloody thing."

"I know."

"But Carson doesn't, does he?"

"He blames himself for leaving you behind."

Billy closed his eyes in weariness.

"Why is he being such a git about this?" he said.

Michael paused.

"Something you don't know, that he never told you," Michael said. "Back before he joined the ODS, in fact, sometimes I think he came to us to escape…"

"Escape what?"

Michael took in a breath himself. He didn't have any doubt that what he was about to tell Billy would be useful to him in understanding Carson's motivations.

"He was part of another team. The details don't matter, but a mission had gone badly. He and a friend of his got captured and tortured. The rest of his team was able to get him out, but not his friend. They left him behind. Last he had heard his friend had died in prison. He's always felt that he left his friend behind too."

Billy listened considerately and a deeper understanding took hold.

"I get it. It all makes sense now."

"Billy, we all were really affected by what happened to you and that we were helpless to stop it, but Carson, it left him questioning –"

"I know and I know what I have to do now," Billy said as he closed his eyes.

**ChaosChaosChaos**

Billy awoke feeling better.

Better was all a matter of degrees at this point so being able to breath without pain was one more step in the right direction. He knew, though, it would take longer to get his strength back, requiring days of physical ttherapy. It was nothing they all hadn't gone through before at some point in their "illustrious" careers. Injuries were just a part of the job. The only thing that varied was the severity. This wasn't the worst injury he had gotten, but it would still make coming back to active duty a long and arduous road. Billy never took consciousness and living through another mission for granted. Going through physical therapy though immensely unpleasant, Billy would always tell himself that each step of struggle back to health was a reminder that he was still alive, still able to feel pain and oddly, that was a comfort to him.

Death was never an attractive option, but he had come terms with that as well as being captured and tortured. In fact, in many ways, death was preferable to the latter two. However, it didn't make the idea of leaving friends behind to bear the weight of the loss, one way or another, any easier to accept. In Billy's mind, death in that case was better as well. Death was final, both for him and for those he cared about. Capture and torture would only lend prolific imaginations to concoct terrible scenarios that could only haunt and dog memories. He knew that he never wanted to be remembered that way.

Carson had borne that agony once and it had made sense to Billy that having come close again with him could only bring horrific images rushing back to him, substituting his friend from those years back with Billy. What none of his friends knew was he, also, had borne that weight with someone close to him back at British Secret Service so he well understood what Carson was going through, but for him, the memory of that loss only emboldened him to learn from any mistakes made so as to never repeat what had caused that loss. Clearly for Carson, it wasn't that simple.

He had asked Michael to tell Carson that he had needed to see him. He'd been avoiding him and it was time to clear the air, to rip off the "need to know" banner off those memories in order to save another friend.

Carson had arrived tentatively, nervous and agitated.

"How many lives does that make exactly?" Carson tried to joke.

"Frankly, I've lost count. Probably better that way, yeh?"

"Yeh, probably. Listen –"

"No, it's your turn to listen my friend because I have a grand tale of espionage to relate –"

"No, Billy, I don't think –"

"Sit," Billy softly commanded.

Carson sat next to the bed, quietly compliant which felt off on its own.

"Been hearing that you've been self-flagellating yourself for what happened to me –"

"Michael should not have –"

"He didn't. You know for a spy, you're pretty damn loud."

"You heard…" Carson said embarrassed.

"Yeh, even in my drug induced stupor, I heard."

"I'm sorry –"

"And that's where we're going to start. First off, you have nothing to be sorry for and you didn't leave me behind, you ponce. I went headlong into the situation without back up, leading with my emotions as I am want to do as you well know as opposed to thinking with my brain as you'd like to scold me all the time about and rightfully so. That and you said I think with my genitals when it comes to the ladies. Can't really blame me for that, now can ya?"

Carson couldn't help but smile. Billy was encouraged that he was getting through.

"So, if you're going to lay blame, then at least put it where it belongs, right into my lap. You know I'm right and you're just pissing off that fact because it makes you feel better to feel responsible than to tell me I was being a right stupid git."

Carson looked up.

"You don't have to say it because it's written all over your face."

"Doesn't matter. I should have followed you."

"You tried, mate, but it happened too fast."

Carson didn't look convinced and Billy realized that he'd have to pull the big guns out.

"Back at the British Secret Service, I had a mate…" Billy swallowed.

"You don't have to –"

"Yeh, I do because if I'm asking you to get past this, I need to step up and tell you things that might explain why I do the things I do."

Carson then sat silently.

"We were on a mission. I can't go into details because of the same reasons we can't here. National Security can be a burden at times. The details aren't important anyway, what matters is that my mate, he was dogging a suspect and I was right behind him. We learned later that he was a foreign assasin and a sadistic bastard at that…"

Billy closed his eyes.

"Look, you need to rest –"

"No, I have to finish this. It's really about time I told this to you. You're my partner and you should know who you're working with, who you're entrusting your life to."

"I already know who I'm trusting my life to and I've never doubted that trust," Carson said.

"Thanks, mate, but really, I want to tell you this."

Billy took in a few breaths and laid his head back.

"Alistair, my partner, he had gotten way ahead of me, had at least 20 seconds on me. Bugger was always throwing that in my face," Billy smiled from the memory "When I finally caught up with him, he was gone. Gone missing. Only found blood, his blood at the scene, but nothing else."

Billy took in another breath.

"I was like a dog with a bone at finding Alistair. I gave my full attention to that mission, which, of course, led to my letting my other cases slide. After a month, they told me that if I didn't stop, they'd sack me so...I had to let it go…it killed me to do it, but I had to."

Billy then shuddered, but Carson couldn't tell if it was from pain or from a painful memory.

"About a week after that, they found his body…clearly tortured…" Billy gazed absently towards a corner of his hospital room, his eyes pooled with tears. "The coroner had said that he'd been dead about a couple of days, a week at the most…that meant that all that time, he'd been alive at the hands of that monster…and I'd given up on him. I'd left him behind. He was counting on me to save him and I failed miserably."

Carson watched Billy's crestfallen expression and understood.

"It wasn't your fault," he said. "You had to follow orders."

"Did I really?" Billy wondered aloud. "After that, I had decided to never follow orders like that again, to only listen to my instincts no matter how outlandish. Suffice it to say, at some point, that became untenable to my superiors and they finally did sack me and that's how I ended up at the ODS."

Carson nodded and smiled.

"The point of telling you all this is that I'm still that way. I was forever changed when I lost Alistair and so you couldn't have stopped me from saving that family. I'm not foolhardy or suicidal, far from it, actually, but I also just can't stand idly by if I see an opportunity to change a situation in my favor or in an asset's favor. Make no mistake, Carson, you had a hand in helping me see that every life is worth it, that where humanly possible, one must save another's life. Sometimes that means getting hurt, maybe even dying, but you need to know that I'd have no regrets."

"So you're saying it's my fault that you're hopelessly reckless?"

"Without doubt," Billy teased at first then became serious. "I won't leave you behind, Carson and I know you won't either. That's enough for me. I hope it's enough for you."

Carson nodded.

"It's enough."

And they both smiled.

**ChaosChaosChaos**

_A year later._

It had been a botched mission. North Africa. A raid gone bad because the local government troops had left them high and dry.

Ernesto Salazar had escaped.

It's not so much that they were surprised, but they were just four men against Salazar's army and outnumbered seemed to be a gross understatement. Still, they were all determined to take him down.

An explosion.

The last time they had seen Carson he had been in the warehouse, setting up the charges. He had been left to do it alone while the rest of them tried to gauge their escape.

The fireball that had burst up into the sky was monstrous and for a moment each man looked up mesmerized and in shock by what had jarred their bones then they'd been gripped by the sheer terror and grief at realizing what building had gone up in flames and who had been in it.

Billy was the first to move, to run towards the conflagration. Michael and Casey used all of their strength to pull him back, hold him back.

"No, Billy, there's nothing you can do," Michael said, cool and practical at first, but feeling the anguish rising up quickly, cracking his calm resolve.

"NO! NO! Carson's in there, we have to get him!"

"He's gone, Billy. He's gone," Michael gently insisted though his voice was cracking with emotion now, his calm resolve disintegrated by the truth he was seeing as his eyes pooled with tears.

"No…no…we can't leave him, Michael…we promised…**I**promised…" Billy said, his voice barely a boyish whimper as his throat tightened.

"I know, but the building's gone. There's nothing left. No one could have survived that, not even Carson," Michael continued though every fiber in his own being wanted to leap into the flames to make sure Carson was gone even if he only found ashes as his proof.

"I promised him, Michael…I promised myself that I would never leave anyone behind ever again…" Billy said, the tone of his voice riddled with frustration and anger now. "I HAVE to try."

"And what do you hope to find to keep that promise? His ashes?" Michael said mirroring his own thoughts. "We have to get out of here. He wouldn't want us getting captured or killed with him. You know that. It's the last thing he'd want."

Billy continued to stare, his feet seemingly welded to the ground and his body completely frozen in paralysis from indecision. He couldn't move even though he felt his friends tugging at him, pulling him away from the fire. Inside of his mind, a war was being waged whether to trust what he was feeling and find Carson, even if he was dead, or whether to trust what he was seeing and leave. Neither option was palatable to swallow and accept. His body didn't know what to do.

"Billy, come on, please, we have to get out of here," Michael pleaded.

Michael finally felt Billy's paralysis loosen, felt him slowly give into the pulls of his friends and though it pained him to leave just as much as it did Billy, to leave Carson behind, he had to put Billy and Casey first now. He had to get all of them to safety.

He knew that the grieving would be tenaciously resolute and that it would be a long road back to normal, whatever that normal looked like, he couldn't even begin to imagine, the empty desk would remain empty for a long time because none of them could imagine anyone filling it, not without causing a ripple of grim acceptance that none of them was ready to embrace.

"Billy, come on," Michael pleaded again softly.

Billy finally moved, but couldn't tear his eyes away from the fire and acrid smoke, now so thick he could feel it entering his lungs, causing him to cough.

_"I won't leave you behind, Carson and I know you won't either. That's enough for me. I hope it's enough for you."_

_"It's enough."_

Those words resonated in Billy's mind.

"I'm sorry, mate…I'm sorry…"

In the haze of the smoke and flames, Carson saw his friends running away and was too far away, too weak to call out to them to tell them he was hurt and couldn't move, that someone had ambushed him and had set off the explosives prematurely, but the explanations fell on deaf ears. He watched the figures of his friends fade then disappear into the smoke like apparitions.

The last thought on Carson's mind before he lost consciousness was "I'm alone."

**FIN. Hope you enjoyed the read. I wanted to explain Carson's behavior in Proof of Life, to show that maybe he was already on the way to disillusionment and getting captured just drove him over an edge he was already precariously balancing.**


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